Yolo County Line
She pawned the wedding ring that he’d left
behind, split from Angel’s Camp the day she
turned 22. She left our sister there with a habit
and a son. Told herself she wouldn’t cry till the
Yolo County line. All the way back home; Yolo
County line. Mama watched her from the door as
she came up the drive. I was sitting on the stair
not knowing what to say. Daddy took her in his
arms with a grip that said it all; she was safer on
this side of the Yolo County line. But the old
house gets so cold, after midnight, all
alone. Adding up unlucky breaks sure does keep a
soul awake. Home is where the neighbors know so
much more than just your name, and home is
where you go to take the truest measure of your
shame
Halloween
You get fired up by all this petty jealousy, ready to
incinerate the whole damn PTA. “Daddy’s little
helper” didn’t shelter you enough this week. The
fellas in the o ce let you feel part of the crowd,
but you’ve got seven-colored ink that they ain’t
ever seen. Go on home, crank a jay, turn Drag the
River up real loud… If this is how you play it
boy, what’re you gonna do for Halloween? You get
tarted up here like the prince of mystery, prancing
on that little stage a buzz-cut beauty
queen. Slinging low, getting high, ignorant of
history… If this is how you rock ‘n’ roll, what’re you
gonna do for Halloween?
Long Gone Valentine
I got this note; can’t remember anymore just when
you wrote it. But I store it in my drawer, and when
I am feeling low I open up the page and read it
over. I got this note; I know the day you wrote it
we’d had us a row ‘cause you wrote “sorry”, and
“regret”, and then “Honey, you’re the best”, and
some sweeter things that I won’t read aloud. I got
this note, and sometimes I’m confused by what it
says. ‘Cause if what you wrote was true I’d be
singing this to you, but here I am and you’re
nowhere around. This little note you wrote is still
the best thing that you left me. Every precious
word is like a window back in time to that
moment in my life when you’d swore you’d always
love me. Oh, my long gone Valentine. I got this
note, and it’s getting about a thin as onion
skin. The ink is barely visible, and it’s tearing
badly at the folds, but look at what a sorry state
I’m in. Just take a look at what a sorry state I’m in.
Starlings’ Darlings
We drive with windows open, the air is warm and
farmy. You rest your hand along my inside
thigh. Neil is singing “Helpless,” we do our best
to help him; the cherry trees are specked with
silver light. No one knows the wages of life spent
turning pages and never looking back at what
you wrote. Not knowing first ain’t something that
ever held you down. Knowing later sure can’t help
us now. Starlings’ Darlings, Starlings’ Darlings…
Making sense not making sense and making
awful time. Starlings’ Darlings, Starlings’
Darlings… Looking out the window at the
artichokes and apricots, thinking about what we
got, (hoping we can always sing like that old
noisy passerine) like Starlings’ Darlings. Out
along the highway starlings by the millions twist
in ropy marathons of flight. You and I conspire to
be the starlings’ darlings and ride that highway
deep into the night.
Bus to Dallas
I got on the bus to Dallas. I got o the bus too
soon; had to walk a couple miles in the blazing
afternoon. I crossed over at the corner for the
shade across the street, A/C boxes on the
windowsills dripping in the heat. I wished I’d
never come to Dallas, wished I’d stayed in Shady
Shores. But when Picasso comes to town you
better put your guitar down and see what all the
fuss is for. When I got to the gallery the water
fountain there was cold enough it made my teeth
hurt, but it tasted good so I didn’t care. It was an
air-conditioned building, so I took my own sweet
time eyeing all of those Picassos. And that’s a
memory of mine.
Secrets You Release
We were kicking back on the couch in Tom’s
backyard, flicking bottle caps against the
fence. Tom got up to round ‘em up and shot me
with a glance and asked me if my wife still got me
hard. I sputtered out my beer, and Tom
apologized, but anyone could read the trouble
written in that line. Tom told me I had to swear I’d
never breathe a word, what he was gonna say was
dynamite. But he and I had long been strong, so I
said “That’s alright.” It made me proud he trusted
me so sure. But then he laid his burden down
right on top of me and I became another fool in
his sad conspiracy. The secrets that you keep may
steal your sleep and never give you peace. But
they won’t cut as cruel, and they will not cut as
deep, as the secrets you release. When Tom had
finished spilling out all he had bottled in we
listened to the crickets as we stared out at the
fence. Later, when his wife came out I couldn’t
meet her eyes, and wondered if I ever would
again. Now is that any way to treat a friend?
When you lie to keep it in, piling sin on top of sin,
and you dig yourself a hole way too deep to
tunnel out. It’s a solitary fate, but you’ll have to
bear the weight of a lifetime keeping quiet. It’s a
lot to think about.
Learning To Lose*
Well I guess I cant always take it where I think it
should be. Not always gonna make it: witness you
and me. Well I guess I’m just learning to
lose, guess I can’t always choose. Roll away
another day, I guess I’m just learning to lose. One
thing I should mention, little things on my
mind: if things were uncertain then why’d you
waste my time? Losing all the day time as the
nighttime falls so clear. Losing all these
changes that have been on my mind to fear. Look
at this situation tearing up my mind. Gonna take
a vacation then I’ll know you lost this time.
I Like The Way Your Sun Shines *
I like the way your sun shines, beating down into
my eyes. I like the way you hear me say directly
passing through every day and I like the way your
sun shines. I like the way you can relate. Lives we
shared away backdate. When we touched it all
made sense; days alone I knew it went and I like
the way your sun shines. I like the way you’ve
taken hold of ever inch of my bold soul. Hope that
you stay satisfied, gonna give you my clear mind.
And I like the way your sun shines.
Draw The Line
Cynthia was working in the Valley of Heart’s
Delight. She was anti-greed and anti-war and she
never gave up the fight. Sometimes she’d go to
marches, sometimes donate online, but she loves
her job at Lockheed and that’s where she draws
the line. The last time we saw Kelly he was
picking at a pizza pie, pulling all of the meat o
then taking him a big ol’ bite. He’s a die-hard
vegetarian, and he’s been one all his life, so he
wouldn’t help us pay the bill and that’s where he
draws the line. Angeline was working at a strip
mall go-go bar over on El Camino (we can go
there if you like). This guy bought her a Volvo,
some lingerie, and wine, but eventually lost
interest ‘cause she knew where to draw the line.
Anthony guards the border on the Texas Rio
Grande, parked out in the desert with the moon
and stars for light. He pays Xochi Sanchez to
watch his kids sometimes, but he never asks for
papers ‘cause that’s where he draws the line.
There’s rules and regulations loose guidelines,
rigid laws. They govern our behavior, from drugs
to how to drive. I stay inside the limits that they
set most of the time, but it’s hard to know who’s
watching and it’s hard to draw the line. The
Carters and Roy Acuff sang the Wabash
Cannonball, then Woody changed the words
around for The Great Grand Coulee Dam. Dylan
changed the melody; I took it, now it’s mine, and I
offer up these words to you ‘cause that’s where I
draw the line.
Hell of a Man
I was on my third at The Rusty Bird when I heard
the news from Eddie Monroe: you were in the
embrace of a man named Chase at the Billy Joe
Shaver show. He said that Chase was the guy with
the one blue eye who opened up the grill ‘cross
town. He’d been seen on yer arm since that night
at The Farm, so I ordered up another round. We
could never make it together, there are things
that ain’t meant to be. Everybody says that he’s a
hell of a man; oh man, he has been hell on me. I
saw you up on the strip like you was glued to his
hip with a smile that coulda lit up a cave. I got a
twitch in my eye like I was fixin’ to cry. Goddamn!
Why can’t I ever behave? When you and I were a
thing you treated me like a king, I guess I treated
you like a throne. So it ain’t a surprise, now that
I’ve opened my eyes , you got up and left me
alone. I hear late is better than never. Lately,
never’s all I see. Everybody says that he’s a hell of
a man; oh man, he has been hell on me. Do you
remember the night at The Old Blinking
Light when I told you that my love was for
real? Well, I swear on my life that if you can’t be
my wife that I hope he makes you feel like you
wanna feel. It’s like a knife in the neck and I’m a
quivering wreck; at least I know you won’t be
alone. But hey, if you wanna stray back to those
bad old days call me on the telephone
Chattering Teeth
Woke in a sweat, wanna hold you
Opened a vein, walls closing in running on icy hillsides,
Sliding on razored glass
Struggle to surface once again
Chattering teeth, shuddering knees:
It’s my disaster, it’s my disease
We all gotta sleep,
But I gotta sleep through my chattering teeth
Went to the doctor and she told me
“Take two of these tiny shiny tablets every night.”
When I did I fell down in a well so dark
That I’m never ever gonna find the light
Chattering teeth, shuddering knees:
It’s my disaster, it’s my disease
We all gotta sleep,
But I gotta sleep through my chattering teeth
Naked as a newborn baby,
Broken hearted, going crazy
Shaking like a junkie in a film by Gus Van Zandt
I can’t hear over the ringing in my ears
And so I’m singing tunelessly and raving as I rant
This is the last time, like I told you.
I’ll be in for just a year and seven months
In an hour I’ll be right back where we started,
So I push you and I catch you all at once.
Not Going Alone
I think I got your number and I know that you got mine
If you chance to dance with someone else everything will work out fine
You got steely concentration and a disaffected air
The quarry you are loaded for just doesn’t have a prayer
A cold wind is blowing outside the bar tonight
There’s no way of knowing if the game is in your sight
Looking around this room right now, your chances look alright
And I’m thinking that you won’t be going home alone tonight
There’s bourbon in a bottle and there’s Miller in a can
Any one of these fine men will gladly put one in your hand
You can place them as you want them, stand ‘em up into a line
Just know that there are forty minutes left till closing time.
Not Afraid To Dream*
It’s impossible to do
Improbable to feel
Confuses me no end
Message that is sent
Not logical pretend
Should have not come to
The end of a good trend
I’m OK now
You’re not afraid to dream
New things in life
So quickly it seems
Lie awake and have
Another cuppa tea
From a place with no water
Time goes by so fast this time around
And some was taken, taken up by you
Comfort and beauty could surround lives
On a path that can be so profound
Where did your dreams go
You weren’t afraid to dream and flow
Now it merely seem
Impossible to dream
I need a chord that sounds like how
I feel impossibly changed improbably
A possibility
Old Ways Die Slow
Old ways die slowly,
Assuming that they ever do.
Truth be told, I don’t know:
I still have a stubborn few.
It’s not as though I never tried,
But I still have a ways to go
Every slip is not a slide,
But old ways die slow.
I was waiting for the barmaid at the ending of her shift
Though she knew how much I’d had she still asked me for a lift
She had a smolder in her eyes, I couldn’t make myself ignore
So I told her all the lies that I’d often told before…
Lord, take some pity on me
If You’re anywhere to hear.
If the Heavens are not empty.
If You’re someone I should fear.
Reach down and change me:
I can’t do it on my own.
I reaped up everything I’ve sown.
Now I’m weary to the bone.
Box Step
Sometimes it all gets so dull, you feel it like an ache
Sometimes driving the long way home is all the excitement I can take
Sometimes this box I’m trapped inside is like cardboard in the rain
One good kick might tear it down: it’s just too damn hard to explain
Some kinds of pain, well it don’t go away
Some, well they mellow with time
Some kinds of agony block out the sun
And they leave you so numb you go blind
Then there’s the hurt that starts deep in your guts
And it crawls like a germ through your veins
Lets you just walk around, year after year,
Till one day you wake up insane
I’m gonna do me
Some screaming and shouting
I’m gonna call it a song
Some kinds of pain, well it don’t go away
Some, well they mellow with time
Some kinds of agony block out the sun
And they leave you so numb you go blind
Then there’s the hurt that starts deep in your guts
And it crawls like a germ through your veins
Lets you just walk around, year after year,
Till one day you wake up insane
I’m gonna do me
Some punching and kicking
I’m gonna call it a dance
I’m gonna do me
Some screaming and shouting
I’m gonna call it a song.
Never To Return
I was only three
The man I learned to call my daddy
Up and walked away
Leaving mom and me alone.
Mama turned to me,
‘Cause I had ears and arms to shoulder
Half the ball of sorrow
That she could not roll alone
I grew up and she grew old
Sudden as a snap of cold
There was nothing left to hold
Me under anymore
I was only seventeen
When she last had a look at me
But this invisibility
Is what I’m looking for
I was twenty-three
When Anne Janine and I got married
She was everything I thought
That I could ever want
Never thought I’d see a sunrise
Without her right there beside me
Till I woke on May 14th in 1999.
I looked at her sleeping form
Cursed the day that I was born
Cursed my mama, and my pa,
And walked out of the door
I don’t know what made me go
Something hard as frozen snow
In my chest and in my soul
That keeps me moving on
I don’t have the answers
I ain’t got a clue
But give me room to stretch my legs
And wander for a few
I’ll be back by evening
And I’ll tell you what I’ve learned
Or simply vanish in the fog,
Never to return
Can’t Tell A Man
You can’t tell a man by his shoes
You can tell a man by the company he choose
But you can’t tell a man by his shoes,
Lord, Lord, a man ain’t nothing but a man
You can’t tell a man by his church
You can tell a man by his choices here on earth
But you can’t tell a man by his church,
Lord, Lord, a man ain’t nothing but a man
You can’t tell a man by his gun
You can tell a man by the actions of his son
But you can’t tell a man by his gun,
Lord, Lord, a man ain’t nothing but a man
You can’t tell a man by his song
He may sing some pretty words,
But he may not live along
You can’t tell a man by his song,
Lord, Lord, a man ain’t nothing but a man.
Ravenous
Take me out beyond the blinking yellow traffic light
Where the moon gets tangled in the trees
Lay your daddy’s army blanket out across the grass
Scoot in close and tell me what you need
Hold on tight, don’t let go
A spinning world will shove you if you don’t
We both know your mother doesn’t really care for me
You don’t care for her, so there you go
All I know is when you’re tucked in tight against my legs
There ain’t nothing else I really need to know
Hold on tight, don’t let go
A spinning world will shove you if you don’t
Hold on tight, it’ll be all right
You don’t ever have to be alone
So hungry, so thirsty, we could just consume each other
So desperate, so lonely, all we’ve got is one another
So helpless, so homely, beating down our own defenses
So take me, I’ll take you any where you go.
22 Fillmore
And then the hiss of the air brakes on the 22 Fillmore
Underneath our window ,breaks up my reverie
I roll over and look at you, you’re breathing quietly
In the silent dust fall of the morning light
Your face is wonderful; I can’t take my eyes away.
Suddenly yours open up, and a brand new day begins.
The breeze is blowing like winter on the corner by the bus stop.
In my hand-me-down pea coat, you put your hands in mine.
I try to light up a cigarette, but these matches are worthless.
Between you and these damn things, I don’t stand a chance.
So we walk up to Mission Street, all the way up to Mission Street,
And I may have to kiss you for the rest of my life.
On the days when you are working far away, I’m as empty as a glove.
Fill me up when you return and I can say that feel a certain purpose in your love
And then the hiss of the air brakes on the 22 Fillmore
Underneath our window, breaks up my reverie
I roll over and look at you, you’re breathing quietly…
All I know is
All I know is
All I have to say is
I will love you as long as I can breathe.
Out on a limb that was too thin,
And I’m already falling for you.
In The Dark
In the dark
I could see our lives improving
I could see a brighter future
And some roads that weren’t so rough
In the dark
I believed just what you told me
I was trusting like the kind of fool
Who thinks love is enough
Now I’ve seen the truth
And the light is almost blinding
All the lies you told me
Are the ones that I believed
Wish you could leave me
In my ignorance and darkness
Now I have to face up
To the ways I was deceived
In the dark
It was easier to love you
All I had to do was hold my fingers on my eyes
In the dark
Well, it couldn’t last forever.
After every darkest night
Some sunlight’s gotta rise.
Personal Picasso**
What can I do to say anything to you
Why can’t I say it anymore?
Do I need to fuck up my brain just to talk to myself?
Am I too happy, too old, or too bored?
And if you open your arms and put a smile on
Does that mean you’ll be there to catch me when I fall?
And if I say it to you so you can hear me
Does that mean I never said anything at all?
You say you’re well on the way to understanding
But still you’re waiting for me to say more
And when my pen has run dry and I need you now
I just see your back as you walk out the door
When will you get I’m not your personal Picasso?
When will you get I’m not so different from you?
What will it take to get a little conversation?
A little hint that all your promises were true
All songs copyright Careless Hearts/Devil May Care Music (BMI). All songs by Paul Kimball, except * written by Derek See and ** written by Daniel Morris
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